We are apt to imagine that if Jesus Christ constrains us, and we obey Him, He will lead us to great success. We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not. The questions of getting to a particular end is a mere incident. What we call the process, God calls the end.
      What is my dream of God's purpose? His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working towards a particular finish; His end is the process - that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God.
      God's training is for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterwards. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end.
      God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present. If we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious.
--Oswald Chambers

we have this hope as an anchor for the soul...
(Heb. 6:19)

Be strong and take heart all you who hope in the Lord (Psalm 31:24)

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer (Rom. 12:12)

Love never fails
 (I Cor. 13:8)

Remember Jesus Christ
(II Tim. 2:8)

Nevertheless, God's solid foundation stands firm
(II Tim. 2:19)

But God's Word is not chained
(II Tim. 2:9)
 

it must be Your skin that i'm sinking in
it must be for real 'cause now i can feel
and i didn't mind
it's not my kind, it's not my time to wonder why
everything gone white
everything's grey
now You're here
now You're away
i don't want this ...
remember that
...i'll never forget where You're at

don't let the days go by
glycerine
...glycerine

i'm never alone
i'm alone all the time...

are You at one, or do you lie
we live in a wheel where everyone steals
but when we rise it's like strawberry fields
i treated You bad, You bruise my face
i couldn't love You more
You've got a beautiful taste

don't let the days go by
could've been easier on You
i couldn't change though i wanted to
it should have been easier by three
our old friend fear and You and me
glycerine glycerine

don't let the days go by....
glycerine...

bad move white again
i could not kiss, just regress
it might just be clear
   simple
      and plain
well that's just fine that's just one of my names

don't let the days go by
it could've been easier on You
glycerine

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I had this dream that I lived in Denmark. I woke up and the phone rang and I talk to these people I didn't know before, but I'm not convinced it was real. I look at a map, and my finger gently touches an obscure mark atop Germany. It was there and now - a splotch on a map, a phone call, a picture, an odd language whispering in my head that no one cares to hear. Gone, and in retrospect but the blink of an eye. Memories are already fading. I guess it goes on without me. As if I were never there? Forget me not... 
 
A little girl stepped onto your foreign shores, and three years later someone else left wearing her shoes. I doff my hat to you, Copenhagen - goodbye means forever, but I think you left your mark.
 
What was that? 

Between the diverse age differences in this family, I am becoming a well rounded person conversationally. Topics range from choo-choo's and cheerios, to Barbie's and spy adventures, to boyfriends and cheerleaders, to politics, religion, champaign and parenting. When it's all said and done, I will be able to converse interestingly and informedly to nearly anyone.

(Except those my own age)

These people are beginning to steal their way into my heart...

Shakespeare.
Hamlet.

Darkness before dawn, and things are looking up.
That's why I cannot quit, because I know time cures much (not that everything is cured, but hope is restored). To quit before you've breached the adaptability timetable is simple silliness. Difficulty doesn't equal impossibility, and sucess promises increased strength and endurance for the future. I guess we can't choose our lessons or our tests, only live our best and wait for the gratifying season of retrospection.

This is not yet that season.

In other news, I'm becoming satisfyingly familiar with my area. I can find my way home several different ways from different directions. I know how to get to numerous indispensable destinations, including Dairy Queen (may you live forever), Starbucks (all hail), Borders (love), the library (home), several shopping centers and malls, the state park, Pets-R-Us (?), the YMCA, Wal-Mart, and am generally familiar with the major roads, highways and streets. Tonight, someone even asked me where a certain street was, and I could tell them.
That made me feel good.

Why is it so hard?
I say all I want to do is follow Jesus.
But from the looks of things, all I want is my own way.
But it's so hard.
And all I do is fail.
All He asks is that I love Him, and them.
But I can't.

Perhaps God has me here for reasons yet unsuspected by myself.

How I hope so.

And whatever they are, I hope it has something to do with the breaking and changing of my heart. Oh God, oh God...I don't know if I can bear it, yet it is my heart's desire! I often lose sight and am forgetful, but deep within, my soul clings to You and I can't extract You from my most personal yearnings.

Teach me to ravishly seek You!

May my life be a sweet incense to You. How I long to know You and recognize Your voice. I know You often rend in order that You may heal, but God, in the midst of it help me to trust You when I cannot recognize Your hand, and You withold Your voice. I long for You to discipline and break me, that I may be as You would have me, yet it frightens me.

All I want to do is follow You, Jesus.

But I'm home now (if that's what this is)
And things still look the same
I think I'll leave it to tomorrow to unpack
Try to forget for one more night
That I'm back in my flat on the road
Where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can't watch sunset
I don't have time...

OK, that's not exactly accurate. It's not that I don't have time, it's that I don't have a car, and it's that there's no place to see the sunset, there's so many trees.

Got back to Philly and now I suddenly feel so lonesome and isolated. From friends galore to *poof*... all by myself and thinking of you.

Maybe I'd change the site's title to 'lonesome July' instead of October, if it sounded as good. But it doesn't.

There's no place else I'd rather be right now.

I love being able to say that. I remember saying it when I got to Mexico in March, too. It's been so great seeing the old faces, catching up with people I haven't seen for one and two years. Brought back from the past, but there will always be a connection, because of both Denmark and Master's.

Too much sun, a lot of laughing, pictures, ice cream, catching up. Happy 4th.
Happy it is.
I hope I'm ok going back...

I will be. I always am.

A day on the lake with the best of friends.
What more can one ask for?
The surprise of my coming was worth it when I saw Andy and Mandie's faces and heard their shrieks, when I saw Nolan's pleasure at their surprised pleasure, when I shared a secret look with Danielle - everyone loves a shared secret at its time of revelation.

I love these people...how good to see them. Reminiscing of times together in our foreign home across the ocean, while standing in that ocean, watching the heat lightning illuminate the night's endless waters.

God. He's there.
Always.
Always!
Cool, huh?
He's so good to us. I love that He's a God of love, when He COULD have been so many other things. I love the peace of Godly friendship. It's so fulfilling and right. Maybe God gives us friends so that we can have a taste of what our relationship with Him can be like. Fun. Adventureous. Sharing yourself. Willing to sacrifice because you're happier having them get their way, than getting your own. Never tired of listening to them, hearing what is in them, what their heart beats for. Willing to take the risk of trust, telling what your heart beats for. When life overwhelms, hurting for them and knowing they hurt for you. I love simply sitting and watching their faces, guessing their thoughts. Hoping for the best for them. Praying for the best for them.
God, this whole friendship thing was a great idea.
Howcome You're this way?
Thank you Jesus.

Love