He felt an urge to pray, to seek forgiveness for what he had done. He began silently with "Dear God," but his mind stalled. The contrition was only a reflex, not real this time. It was only a grasp for certainty, just a reaction to his discomfort at not being able to know he had done the right thing. He stopped, closed down the channel of communication: "Amen," he whispered. Nobody gets out of this life without doubt.

Last week I was at the airport once again. I hugged my parents goodbye, and then got in the car and drove away as they made their way to the gate. It was a relief to be on the other side of that gate. I love going, it's my favorite thing. But I don't like leaving. Goodbyes. Just being there turned my stomach to knots.

I'm working at the YMCA. Strange. I worked there up until a couple of days before I left for Denmark my first year. It feels like those three years never happened, and I'm just there, where I was. I don't know what to think about that. So mostly I don't. Except I find myself missing the kids that I knew that have grown beyond the preschool rooms and are now in school where I don't see them. Some of the kids that I knew from the baby room are now four years old, but I can still recognize some of them. One that was my favorite as a baby is now my favorite as a three year old. Just don't tell anyone because it's unprofessional to have favorites in the childcare business.

So I spent the week alone in this big house in the middle of nowhere. With my dog. It was fun, home alone is always a good time, for a while. I locked myself out once and had to break in. I'm not use to there being no one else in the house. This morning on my way to work I encountered a herd of around 30 elk, in the road and right beside me. Some had enormouse racks. They all stopped and stared, like posing for a picture. When they realized I didn't have my camera, they resumed their grazing and I drove on my way.

I'm officially CPR and First Aid certified again. OK, well, I don't have my cards yet, but if someone is dying I don't think they'll be asking to see my card anyway.

Sunday night I went and saw The Village by myself at the three dollar theater. I don't know what people were so disappointed about, I had a great time, thoroughly pleased with it. There's something peculiarly enjoyable in seeing a suspenseful movie by onself.

Just came from house church. It sometimes leaves me feeling slightly unsettled. Maybe I hold too tightly to the negative things, and forget to dwell on the positive.

These people haven't been Christians very long, so they lack spiritual maturity in many areas, and yet they are adults who are successful in their secular fields - intellectuals and business men - so they are ... I don't know. Sure of themselves without always being right? Accustomed to being in the know and are unfamiliar with the other side of that fence. Disagreements come up. By nature of my personality I don't like conflict. I don't say anything much, most times. I don't like to say something unless I'm sure of myself, and I hesitate about ever being too sure of myself (sometimes you can be 'sure' of something only to discover the following week, through the process of your spiritual growth and development, or even in the following moment through the correction of someone more wise than you, that you didn't have it exactly straight). So I let the others have at it. I listen and try to learn and define to myself my thoughts on the matter. I don't have a whole lot of credibility with these people, because I'm so young. My Dad has so much Bible training that they respect and listen to him. And of course he knows how to talk a lot better about a lot more than I.

But that doesn't mean the little bit that I do say is good only to be disregarded. That'swhat I feel they do, most times (not my parents, the others). But I think it's only true to an extent, and that unintentionally. I guess it just takes time to build trust and credibility. If I were them, would I stake much on the word of a 22 year old punk girl? Spiritual success is a far cry from wordly success. And I say that in support of both perspectives, not just my own.

Quote of the evening: "You excel at what you do in order to gain credibility in speaking of Christ."

I don't know. Sometimes I feel discouraged. Not because of what this post was about, I guess. I really couldn't care a whole lot less if these people give a rat's patooty about what I say or not. Just...

Alright. I'll post for Andy O. Because he's so remarkably sweet and irresistible. No sarcasm intended.

I remember someone saying it was strange to be out of Master's, having your identity renovated. But I haven't much experienced anything like that. Life is life here or there, I suppose. Myself, I am generally the same, for good or ill, here or there. A measure of both. I catch myself smiling absently at anomalous times as memories flutter through.

There's always questions, of course, and their answers off galavanting someplace else, keeping their own counsel, infrequently happened upon by the likes of me. Questions of before and after, and now as well. But that's as it always is. Summer ends. Fall begins. Things change, but mostly they stay the same (is it a song?). Complacency hovers, desires throb, questions roam. I don't write because there's nothing much to say. A time of general inactivity. Books, housework, the radio, Converse and corduroys. Ordinary things. Looking forward to what's to come, but generally content and not unhappy with what is. Nothing much to say. Maybe another time...

...so I don't need no accuser to try to slag me down because I know you're right.